American Dreamz? No, People, It’s Time for Korean Dreams.

People, how many times do we hear America is the land where all dreams come true?well, America now has a rival. It’s South Korea. Yep, it’s where everyone can be everything. Today, we’ll have a lesson on how to reach your Korean (Entertainment) Dreams.

It’s an old issue, yeah, we all know that those (well, maybe most of) Kcelebs’ looks are nothing more original than a made-in-China Phrada or Louise Vuitton bag.

(Be frank people, you must be thinking you are a lot prettier than these babes’ old looks, aren’t you? well, same here.)

what’s with all these huge make-overs?really, i used to think that there was nothing to be fuss about, that plastic beauty is totally natural in the business, but hey, allow me to spit it out as i have an access to a blog. a famous one, that is.

So let’s see what these celebs have to earn their tags as, well, celebs. Maybe we can learn something from them.

what do you expect from your idols? Me? i want my idols to have all in a package. The talent and the figure. And i want them real. (you, our smart and sensible readers, won’t buy “That’s the magic of Bobbi Brown and MAC” thing, will you? i’ve seen such naive comments, but we all know, to make a before-after look of dear Sunny, whose previous look wasn’t as sunny as it is today, Bobbi Brown must be an alum of Hogwarts School Of make-ups)

so, circle lenses are not enough, eh?ooh no, they need permanent bigger eyes (for clearer visions?perhaps…) so long for natural/traditional beauty…plastic is natural now.

Not that there’s no true natural looks, if we dig deep enough, sure we can find those real beauties. I won’t mention the ladies, we all know who the minorities are. But check out Mr. Rain. (Well, i won’t say he’s a beauty, but he’s okay.) I’m not sure if he’s ever done anything to his unsymmetrical slanted eyes, but wow, who can count how many diehard ahjummas he has.

*some invincible hand slapped me on The Face*

Ok, diehard FANS.

see? sometimes being real and original won’t hurt. Especially when you don’t have any sewings on your face.

and now i wonder how much they paid Kim Ah Jung for her real-life story to be put on the widescreen of 200 Pounds Of Beauty.

(shocked?don’t be. i made it up. joking. Laugh, people!laugh!)

Uhm Jung Hwa

Now, now, this whole thing can’t be just about physical figure, isn’t it? of course not. Good looks, real or fake, would be just a boring accessories if you don’t have the aura. They say Lee Hyori is a natural beauty (well, there goes the relativity of natural. I’d say Ganguro look -afro look, popular in Japan- is definitely not a natural way to define beauty, but guess natural of Lee Hyori meaning no knife). And, she has the aura. now read carefully.

For me, she combines the aura of sex appeal and , not necessarily stupid, but dumb, yes. Who would believe a person who said “I will use my sexiness to conquer Japan” has an IQ high enough to count her pride?not me.

And that way, she’s not boring. oh yeah, she’s not.

Of course, that’s not the only choice of aura. It’s a tentative matter. You can be smart, elegance, snob, bitchy, holy, whatever. Just don’t be plain.

What else?

You wanna be a singer but you can’t sing nor dance? You wanna be an actress but you can’t act? No worries. Those management companies will train you, half of your lifetime if it’s needed, to make you good enough to sell. Years of training will have its fruit when the trainees see their faces on the net, being talked about by the netizens. And the long awaiting till come the time for your debut doesn’t make you loose your life anyway. You can go to school, you can have parties with your friends, and you can fool around with your seniors at the company. Fun.

But of course, life’s hard when you’re a celebrity. There will always be people bashing you around and poking you, making fun of you, picking on you (eg. me). Be careful of your flaws. Don’t be off guard. Defend yourself in a smart way, or if your brain is not big enough to do that, forever hold your silence.

Resume

so what exactly do we need to be a celebrity in South Korea?…hmm…first, let’s see what we DON’T need :

1. Good looks. (Frankenstein, you can join. Don’t worry, the surgeon will wave its magic knife, you can have any face you like. You name it, they sew it. Ugly Duckling, you can be the prettiest silicon swan on the lake)

2. Talents. (Remember our so-called swinger girl Jessica? 7 years in the training should make it obvious how much talent she had in the first place. But hey, look where she is now, a soon-to-be-debutante, and a full experience with some of the hottest guys in the industry. Guess it is also included in the training syllabus. That and the plastic surgery. Shenyue said she’d love to be a trainee just to see how her face would be when she’s out of the training LOL)

3. Brain nor Pride. (You can be simply sexy. Say “I’m sexy enough for my brain and pride”)

4. Sensitivity. (Remember, No pain no gain, darlings. Besides, suicidal celebs are not cool)

5. Old pictures. (Ask your parents to burn your old photos, bribe your old school mates to admit that your pointy nose is a real, you have it even since primary. Don’t let the netizens find your sore spot and poke it. It might hurt. And humiliating.)

6. Coy attitude. (Kawaii only works in Japan. Remember, Sexy is the keyword. oh, and Plastic.)

And what DO we need?

1. KSSN. (It’s a possibility. I wouldn’t be surprised if they ask for your KSSN before they hand you the mic on the stage, or before the director says “action!”. So find your way out if you’re a foreigner: a) marry a Korean, or b) just ask for a miracle, that tomorrow you’ll wake up as a Korean.)

2. Something different from your group mates. (Coz usually after the surgery, you all will look like twins, coz the company sends you to the same surgeon and the very uncreative hairstylist will give you the same hairstyle. So make sure you have something different, like maybe your chipmunk-speaking voice, or blinking habit, or a tattoo -don’t ask your senior Se7en for an advice for this matter-. Let’s hope in a year or two, your family and fans can finally differentiate you from the other group members by spotting that little mole on your upper lips.)

3. Tutor-bodyguard. (If you can read and understand this post, good. Maybe you only need a Korean tutor-bodyguard. If you already speak Korean, even better. You just need a bodyguard to save you from crazy die-hard fans you will have. And make sure the bodyguard looks convincing, no chubby-chubby nor skinny-skinny, at least bigger than you.)

4. Sexy-trainer. (You need to look sexy, then you need a private trainer. Let me introduce you to Choi Seong Jo, a trainer that shapes the body of famous celebrities’ in Korea, like Cha Seung Won and comedian jeong Hyeong Don

Here he is :

Choi’s secrets to helping chubby comedian Jeong Hyeong-don shed 11 kg in just seven weeks are power walking and jump rope. In power walking, your strides are more effective if you bend your arms 90 degrees and swing them back and forth until you feel your chest muscles stretch. Jump rope is also very effective for burning off weight. Choi recommends 20 sets of 50 jumps with a 20 second break between each set. If you don’t sweat much, you can try wearing a specially designed suit that will help you sweat. If your goal is to lose weight, it’s more effective to exercise for a long period of time at mid to low intensity. Going from fast to slow, hard to easy, also helps. (English Chosun)

aha….i can think of other ways to make me sweat without the (special) suit, Mr. Choi…man, just looking at him makes me feel sexy…*some invincible hand slapped me on the face again. It’s my mum’s*

5. Circle lenses. (Just in case your plastic surgeon is a trainee)

6. Good relationships with Kpop bloggers. (We can help you spread your wings. And we’re nice to our friends.)

7. Strong and good sense to choose your stage name. (Don’t let anyone give you stupid name, like numbers or weathers, or coloured body parts like Purple Ears, or any abbreviates like ABCD or XYZ or PQRS, or even I.A.M.G.O.O.D. Big chance it will happen, so be ready with your name since the beginning and good story behind it. Never let people know you get the name from kimchi dish or any un-elegant source.)

Well, i hope it helps. Don’t forget to check the internet to find out when the next audition will be held. SMTown.com has its own special page for this.

So People, Go Get Your Korean Dreams! Fighting!

Cheers,

Louise a.k.a Zzhang @ShenYuePop.com

pictures credit : Soompi , except for Mr. Choi the sexy-trainer: English Chosun